By Monro Bryce
After a weekend when the Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around her stables in Newmarket, when a Gold Cup winning stallion let go a resounding fart, Oh dear, said Her Majesty, One is so frightfully sorry about that. Think nothing of it, ma'am, replied the Archbishop, actually I thought it was the horse. Real Mallorca remain firmly rooted to the foot of the Spanish second division after another defensive horror show saw them lose 2-4 to Murcia in front of 9'000 fans on Sunday.
The game started brightly enough for the home side with both Nsue and Pereira coming close. Then in the 14th minute (which is just about the time the clocks on the electronic scoreboards began to go backwards), the visitors took a shock lead through Kike, 0-1. In the 33rd minute, all hell was let loose as the wrath of the fans kicked off. Another defensive howler allowed Dorca to double Murcia's lead.
Now, Mallorca at home to a team who two months ago were relegated to the Spanish third division then reinstated after Guadalajara were thrown out for financial irregularities and who had ten new players, found themselves 0-2 down to a pub league side ! It was all too much for the long-suffering Mallorquinistas to take.
Inferno
Howls of derision and shouts of Serra vete ya (leave now) and Fuera de Son Moix rang around the main stand, as the lynch mob were getting twitchy and were looking for rope. Chief shareholder and director of football, Lorenzo Serra Ferrer, and his sidekick, club president Biel Cerdá, were left in no doubt what the fans thought about them. Both had to be escorted into the bowels of the stand by police and security guards. The fact that they were smirking and gesticulating to the crowd only helped to stoke the inferno.
With our main midfielder Tomas seeing red after a second bookable offence, it looked like curtains for Mallorca as half time loomed.
Two minutes after the bocadillo break, things went from bad to disastrous. Kike drove another nail into Mallorca's coffin with a simple third, 0-3.
Suddenly ten-man Mallorca woke up and Nsue pulled one back, 1-3. Murcia looked nervous under pressure, then sub Gerard Moreno hit a screamer, 2-3, game on.
Hopes of a miraculous comeback were dashed in the 70th minute when a superb tackle by Paguera's Kevin Garcia was deemed a foul by the muppet far side linesman, who raised his flag and his numpty mate, the referee, pointed to the spot, then booked Kevin. It was his second yellow so he walked.
Down to nine men, Nightmare at the Son Moix was evolving before our very eyes. Saul slotted him the spot kick, 2-4, game over.
We've now let in eight goals in two games and just what the coach does to bolster our defence, God only knows. It's going to be a long week at Real Mallorca football club.
Spurs chairman Daniel Levy has played a blinder on the Gareth Bale transfer saga, all the while forcing the price skywards as the transfer window deadline moved closer. It's been a game of high stakes poker with the London club holding all the cards.
Are Real Madrid fans the victims of an elaborate bluff because after just one breakthrough season he's certainly, not currently, the best player in the world ?
The Madrid giants will now have to sell players who are surplus to requirements, many of whom don't want to move, plus the fact their high wages cannot be met by many clubs.
Finding a club willing to buy, say, Di Maria and Coentrao won't be easy as they look likely to be make-weights in the Bale deal.
There is, of course, no guarantee that the move will work out as, for example, Michael Owen's short sojourn at the Bernabeu proved, Gareth must make the effort to master the language.
Madrid's not like Mallorca where lots of people speak English. The capital's not so cosmopolitan. He also needs to embrace the culture. It should be interesting to see just where he fits in at Real Madrid and who takes the first 30 yard free kick between him and Ronaldo?
Bale will become the biggest-selling brand when he's paraded in front of 50'000 adoring fans later today or tomorrow.
Gareth won't know what's hit him when he starts his first home game at the Bernabeu. If he comes to training with a new car, new haircut or new coat, Marca will be all over it, with 10 or 12 pages !
No question he's going to be excited.
I've been in a full (86'000) Bernabeu on several occasions and it's an awesome experience.
He's also to realise he's the world's most expensive footballer, so he may well have the odd flutter of insecurity.
When he touches the ball for the first time in training, or in his first game for his new club, his touch better be good.
Above all, though, he has to be brave and it's such a shame (unless we draw Real Madrid in the Cup) we won't be seeing his bludgeoning left foot at the Son Moix, not this season at any rate.
Maybe Gareth can do a Gazza at his first training session.
He turned up with his pal Jimmy five bellies at Lazio's ground and laid out 20 copies of Teach Yourself English on the dressing room benches.
And finally,
At school in Scotland, wee Jimmy learns a neat trick from an older boy. All grown ups have secrets, says the big boy.
All you have to do is pretend you know what it is and you can get anything you want.
When wee Jimmy gets home he decides to try the theory out. As his mother is making his tea, he eyes her sternly and says I know the whole truth.
His mother blushes and reaches for her purse and hands him £10. Just don't tell your father, she whispers.
Elated at how easy it was, wee Jimmy waits for his father to come home from work, he meets him in the hallway and says I know the whole truth.
His father quickly hands him £20 saying Don't breathe a word to your mother.
Wee Jimmy's ecstatic and can't wait for his next victim.
The next morning he meets the milkman on the front doorstep and says I know the whole truth.
The milkman smiles broadly, then opens his arms Come over here and give your Daddy a big hug.